Sometimes, you just gotta pack your shit and leave.

I left.

Really, I didn’t just leave. I flew.

As women, we sometimes go through things.

Less than a year ago, I made one of the biggest moves of my life. I moved across the country.  I moved from Atlanta, GA all the way to California.  Then, just a few months later, I turned around and moved again.  At this moment, I am enjoying life on the beautiful island of Puerto Rico.  Actually, I am in San Juan, the capital city.  I am sitting on my balcony overlooking all of Hato Rey.  It is about 86 degrees.  The fresh air does my body good. The crisp winds that blow lessen the effects of the heat.  Overall, it feels cooler here now than most cities in the US.  My little ones are on the back balcony playing with their toys as they stream Netflix from their laptops.  Life is great right now.  Life is perfect.  My life is what I have sculpted it to be.  I couldn’t ask for anything more other than this moment to last.

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How I got here, is what I guess, makes for the good cup of tea.  (By the way, Puerto Rico possesses some of the best coffee and tea are ever grown in the world). Truthfully, coming back to a place that I call home always makes me feel more in tune with myself.  When I lived in Atlanta, I was going through a pretty tough time.  I began a relationship in my teens that of which went into my twenties.  This relationship resulted in marriage and children, three beautiful little boys that I absolutely adore.  Although this was my first real relationship, it was not necessarily the best relationship for me to be in.  And, maybe it wasn’t for him either.  We were not equally yoked and could barely stay on the same page.  We argued a lot….. well he yelled and I tuned him out.  I ignored the wall punching and other crazy things that he did.  But, I was young and in love and I wanted to make it work.  I think that we all go through this stage in life where we want to hold on to something that we need to let go of or shouldn’t have been involved with from the beginning.  I held on, even long after I knew I should have been gone.  At some point, you get tired of calling your father for money to pay for things that a grown man that you are in a relationship with and have children with should be paying for.  When this is your reality as a man, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Period.  Even when living at his mother’s house, he seemed to just not be able to get it together. When I did finally decide to leave, I didn’t allow myself to linger in the moment.  I left the day I thought about doing it.  While he was at work, I packed up what I could and I left.  I wasn’t going to deal with any more confrontations.   I didn’t want to have a big fight about it, especially not in front of my kids or any of his family members that were there at the time.

When I left, I honestly thought that it would wake him up, make him see the things that he needed to do for his family.  I thought that even though we would not be together, that he would at least be there for his children.  But I was wrong.  He didn’t.  For quite some time, I took the high road.  I invited him to parties, informed him of their activities, reminded him of holidays, did almost all of the daily calling and scheduling. He would just come when he wanted and he missed birthdays.  It was so sad to see the fathers of other children come to their parties and their dad wasn’t even there.  I even shouldered the finances of taking care of the children with promises to pay me back or promises to pay his half.  Promises that never made themselves to be true.  What was most disturbing to me, is that he with this, he felt the need to be the dominant one.  He seemed to want to tell me where I could and couldn’t go, would not show up to pick up the kids when he knew I had to go school, or even just out for a mommy moment.  I won’t put it on him and say that he never showed up, but I would say about 80% of the time, he was a no call, no show.  He would maybe call 3 or 4 days later and act like everything was cool, sometimes says it was my fault that he wasn’t there.

The toll was really wearing me out, completely.  I tried getting his family members to talk to him.  My dad even stepped up to talk to him.  But, it didn’t really change anything.  At one point, I lost my job and still had to find a way to make it without help from him.   He didn’t show up when I had interviews.   He didn’t bring them food.  He didn’t bring them clothes.  One day an incident happened.  He was supposed to have had the children, but instead left them with someone else and our youngest son was injured.   He pretty wasn’t very concerned.  This mofo said that he didn’t believe our child, he believed the word of this neglectful person.   He didn’t even apologize for what happened, at the time.  At that moment, any love or respect or care had completely left my body.  I put my big girl panties on and decided to make some changes in my life.  Aside from my health, I made a change in every aspect of my life.   I made financial, spiritual, and physical goals.  I only told two people what my plans were.  I didn’t want the nuggets getting back to my ex.  In passing, while visiting my father in California,  I ended up telling him about what I was doing, and he gave me perspective.  And what a great perspective it was.  He loved on me and reminded me of my greatness and my worth.  Fueled with new energy, I packed up and left.  By far, this was the best decision that I have ever made.

Since taking this leap, of course, now, I am so much more financially stable. In addition to having my own business, I work for an amazing company.   But, that is only such a small part of it all.  The freedom of being able to do so from home has allowed me to continue to teach my boys at home and be there for them in every way possible.  I love being home with them and exploring our surroundings.  My boys interact with other children and get visits from my parents, my siblings, and uncles.  And I within this support structure, I have been able to find time for myself and begin my own healing journey.  I only want to encourage other women to do the same.

It is only now that I have learned that letting go or moving on is not a failure but in fact bravery.  Making the conscious choice to live and operate within chaos is just insanity.  I was halfway functioning, just coasting my way through life. I never really stopped to think about anything that was happening around me.  And before I knew it, I was a mess.  And this mess consumed every part of my being.  My mental and physical health, and even my finances were suffering because of this.  Even relationships with other people.

It took me such a very long time to get to this place and thus I know that it will take me a long time to get back to really being myself.  But, I know that I am worth it.  And, so are my babies.  They deserve to have their mother at her best.  I have made that commitment to myself to complete this journey.  What have you committed to giving yourself?

With Love and Light,